I Want a Goalie (Parody of I Want a Wife by Judy Brady)

Just as Judy Brady "[belongs] to the classification of people known as wives" (Brady 1) I belong to the classification of soccer players known as goalies. For every eleven soccer players, one of them is a goalie, so we are a minority in the soccer world. I just joined a new soccer team because they were in desperate need of a goalie. Now that I think about it, I too would like a goalie. I would like to be a striker who can relax in the middle of the field when the goalie is being bombarded with attacks from the opponent. I want a goalie who can stand in front the goal for me and block soccer balls that come at him at 90 miles per hour. I want a goalie who dives left and right to make saves while scratching and bruising his arms, elbows, and shoulders. I want a goalie who doesn't complain about the physical pain that he is experiencing, but he must listen to me when I complain about being tripped by the opponent. I want a goalie who can psychologically deal with the responsibility for conducting the soccer game. I want a goalie who can deal with the pressure of having to order the defense so we can break down the opponent's attack. At the same time, I don't want a goalie who is too commanding and will hurt my feelings.  My goalie must take the blame when we concede a goal even though I let an opponent run by me. I want a goalie who is okay with being scolded by our coach. I want a goalie who is booed by the fans when we are losing, and is completely forgotten about when we are winning. I want a goalie who is overworked when we are playing against a good team. I want a goalie who stands and watches the game while we are playing against a bad team. My God, who wouldn't want a goalie?