I Want a Goalie (Parody of I Want a Wife by Judy Brady)

Just as Judy Brady "[belongs] to the classification of people known as wives" (Brady 1) I belong to the classification of soccer players known as goalies. For every eleven soccer players, one of them is a goalie, so we are a minority in the soccer world. I just joined a new soccer team because they were in desperate need of a goalie. Now that I think about it, I too would like a goalie. I would like to be a striker who can relax in the middle of the field when the goalie is being bombarded with attacks from the opponent. I want a goalie who can stand in front the goal for me and block soccer balls that come at him at 90 miles per hour. I want a goalie who dives left and right to make saves while scratching and bruising his arms, elbows, and shoulders. I want a goalie who doesn't complain about the physical pain that he is experiencing, but he must listen to me when I complain about being tripped by the opponent. I want a goalie who can psychologically deal with the responsibility for conducting the soccer game. I want a goalie who can deal with the pressure of having to order the defense so we can break down the opponent's attack. At the same time, I don't want a goalie who is too commanding and will hurt my feelings.  My goalie must take the blame when we concede a goal even though I let an opponent run by me. I want a goalie who is okay with being scolded by our coach. I want a goalie who is booed by the fans when we are losing, and is completely forgotten about when we are winning. I want a goalie who is overworked when we are playing against a good team. I want a goalie who stands and watches the game while we are playing against a bad team. My God, who wouldn't want a goalie?

         

Paranoia on the Soccer Field

Every year in England, there is a soccer game in the city of London where two long-time rival teams face off. The seats at the stadium are always full and evenly split between the fans of the two teams. However, this highly anticipated game of soccer is often very dirty, filled with dangerous fouls and trash talk between the two teams. In fact, this particular game has gotten so out of control over recent years that referees have had to put in a restriction on these players in order to keep the game safe. The restriction that these players have is very simple: any player who commits a foul will be given the harshest punishment a soccer player can receive, a red card. The fear of a red card is common in most soccer players, because if you are given one, you are ejected from the game and your team has to play with one less player. On top of that, you are suspended for a at least one more game. The fear that is associated with red cards is amplified in this rivalry game because if you suffer a red card, your team will definitely lose. The game is set to start in 5 minutes, all 11 players from both teams stand in their positions nervously. After those nerve-racking 5 minutes, the referee finally blows his whistle and the game starts. All of the players on the field are afraid to make any contact with each other so they don't commit a foul. Very early in the game players start complaining to the ref. "He pushed me!" and "He tripped me!" they would scream.The players were so afraid of committing a foul that they would falsely accuse the other team of doing it.When the referee asked the players if they had actually fouled another player, they would reply with '"the pure in heart need no' (The Crucible 3.86) referees!" As the game continued, more and more accusations were being made, so the referee made the ultimate decision to cancel the game and he called it a 0-0 tie. The players and fans left the stadium very disappointment, because fear and paranoia had cost them the joy of playing or watching a rivalry game.  

   

The Golden Cleats (Parody of The Pearl by John Steinbeck)

Dave was an amateur soccer player in suburban Michigan. He was cut from his high school soccer team, however, he had a burning passion for the sport and practiced on his own every day. When he graduated from high school, he joined an amateur soccer team in attempt to pursue his dream of becoming a professional. He had allocated all of his time and focus into soccer. This was a risky decision to make since he was by far the worst player on his team. He barely played 10 minutes a game and many of his teammates despised him. Dave's dreams were completely crushed when he suffered a broken ankle which put an end to his career. Other than soccer, Dave had no plans for his future, so he sought for a way to revive his career. Dave remembered hearing a legend about a pair of Golden Cleats that sit at the bottom of Lake Michigan. These cleats bring great fortune to whoever wears them. Dave began to search for these cleats because they could heal his injuries and allow him to play soccer again. He bought some scuba gear with the little money that he had, and dived down into Lake Michigan.

Dave explored the dark bottom of Lake Michigan, coming across various species of fish and vegetation. After only a few minutes of searching, Dave spotted a dim light in the distance. The light was gold in color and he immediately began swimming towards it. Dave reached the light and he saw the two cleats sitting at the bottom of the ocean. He took them with him and swam to the shore of Lake Michigan. He took off his scuba gear and ecstatically put the cleats on his feet. He felt the pain of his broken ankle fade away. The next day, he returned to his team with his new, telling the coach that he was ready to play again. The coach laughed at him but allowed to him to participate in training. When Dave got the ball, he easily weaved passed defenders and scored effortlessly. The skill that Dave had acquired left his teammates in disbelief. When training was over Dave boasted to his teammates that his new cleats are the reason that he has become so skilled. A group of Dave's teammates stayed after training and created a plan to sneak into Dave's house and steal the cleats. "We must steal those cleats from Dave, with them we can rebel 'against him and against all authority'(The Crucible 1.281)" they stated. That same night, Dave got a call from Michigan's professional soccer team, they wanted him to try out the next day. While Dave was sleeping, a few of his teammates broke into his house and stole his cleats. Dave woke up in the morning, eager to try out for the professional team, but he couldn't find his cleats. After searching all around his house, he put on his old cleats and went to the tryout. Now very nervous, Dave wasn't sure how he would play without his golden cleats. When the tryout started, he couldn't compete with the professional players. He was back to his old self, and just 10 minutes into the tryout, Dave was cut from the team. Dave drove home, feeling completely crushed. He realized that his teammates stole the cleats from him after he revealed to them that he had the magical golden cleats. Now Dave's dreams were completely destroyed. 

The Emergence of Soccer: The First Game of the World's Most Popular Sport (Not Historically Accurate)

Soccer originated about 2,000 years ago in ancient China. The sport was created when two villages had a territorial dispute over a long strip of fertile land that separated the two villages. The ancient Chinese people were peaceful, so instead of resorting to violence, they decided to settle the dispute in a different way. The leaders of both villages came together and created a game that they called soccer. Two teams of 11 players face off on a field, which will be the fertile strip of land, where there are two wooden stakes impaled into the ground to create a goal on each side of the field. The objective of the game is to get a pig bladder, which is used as a ball, into the opponents goal using any part of the body other than your hands and arms. The first team to score would win the match. The two village leaders went back home and explained the rules of soccer to their villagers. Whichever village won the match, would get the strip of fertile land. Both villagers gathered 11 men that they believed were best suited for a match of soccer. Both teams met up at the strip of land that they were fighting and they lined up on the it. The match was ready to be played.

 The team on the Eastern half of the field was composed of slim, agile, and handsome young men. The team on the Western half was composed of hairy, muscular, and ugly men.The different characteristics of both teams represented balance on the soccer field, just like how "the right- and left-handed twins built balance into the world" (Turtle's Back 36) in the Native American interpretation on the origin of the world The game started and the Western team dominated the game early on as they could out power the weaker Eastern players. The Western players took advantage of the lack of rules of this early form of soccer and they began to kick and trip their opponents. However, the Western team couldn't manage to kick the pig bladder into the goal. Although they were powerful, the Western team was very uncoordinated with their feet and they struggled to control the ball. 20 minutes had passed and neither team has scored yet. The Western team began to grow tired, and they couldn't keep up with the pace of the game. The slimmer and more fit players of the Eastern team began to take over the game. Eventually, they were able to get passed their exhausted opponents and they scored the first ever goal. As previously agreed to, the Eastern team won the fertile land, however, after the game of soccer, the field was completely destroyed. Even though the land was not suitable for farming, the two villages were jovial because the game they had created was more important than land that could be used for harvest, they had created a game that 3.5 billion people would be fans of in the future.